Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Trapped, pies and tights!!!


Good afternoon interweb, it has finally happened...... I am trapped in my own house unable to go out and get in my car and drive.
It’s the feckless builders from 3 doors down. I swear to god they wait for me to go out then rush out get in one of their numerous vans and park it in front of our house. I’d walk but it’s pissing it down.
So I sit here with a sort of pride that they cannot park in front of our house because I flatly refuse to go out and move the car and yet despite feeling superior there is a little bit of me that feels like they have won.
 I’m sure it’s not actually a competition and they’re just been typical feckless builders but  every time, really?
I half expect to arrive home one day to find a skip in front of the house.
I'm hungry now, I have a want of pies. Friedrich Nietzsche liked pies, he gave up alcohol and tobacco to spend his time in a pie shop munching down pies and cakes for hours on end.
That is of course until he went stark staring mad and lost all his faculties after sending his auto biography off to be published.
His book contained quite a famous saying that was “whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger”, oh the irony. He lived in a vegetative state for a further 10 years.
I mentioned the other day of Hitler’s cure for flatulence been that of pulverised bull balls, well it seems that through history there have been other strange concoctions as cures as well. Pliny the Elder would drink gladiator blood as a cure for epilepsy and munch on hare’s testicles for loin pain all whilst gargling on lynx urine for his sore throat. Personally I prefer to use deep heat and a strepsil but to each his own.
Went to the bar last night for a few drinks and whilst there I got a text message from Jono and Lou who we met in the Maldives last year.
They were asking about an island that we have been to and before you know it the phone was out of my hands and it had been decided that an organ of some form or description would be removed from my body and sold so that we could also go on holiday to the Maldives as well. Hurrah! I think.
I’m not sure if we can afford it as I’m sure I will not get much for my kidneys or liver as Rachel so matter of factly pointed out.
Due to the fact that I am currently trapped in my own home I have been having to entertain myself by trawling through papers and reports in my office.
Please don’t ask me why I have it but I have just looked through a 2002 report from RoSPA (Royal Society for the prevention of accidents), In the UK in 2002 trainers were to blame for 71,309 accidents whilst a mind boggling 12,003 accidents could be chalked up to ladies tights!!!!! Cardboard boxes injured 10,492 individuals whilst a further 8,193 fell foul of twigs.
Bugger me I'm going to have to chance it, this is driving me nuts.
Wish me luck, here is some drivel...... We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us, and it has come to my attention that the goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.
Peace out yall, THE BAGSTAXXX

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