Thursday, 5 April 2012

Steven, Catch 22 and driverless cars!!!


Good afternoon interweb, and a very sunny splendid one it is as well. I have actually put the air con on in the car, bit of a novelty for me as Ive never owned a car with air con, Ive always just rolled down the windows and let my ears flap about like a mad dog.
Been to the gym this morning and surprised myself by how easy I found things after a week off.
Anyway, back to pick up where I left off yesterday.
We arrived at Portrush and I spent the first two days of our break under the bonnet of the Truck up to my elbows in oil trying to find out why she wasn’t working properly. Rocker cover off job lot before bolting it back together and calling a friend to find out if he knows anybody who may be able to fix it.
I am quickly armed with the name Jimmy and a phone number.
After a couple of days trying to contact Jimmy I gave up and drove round to his garage. Jimmy was sat in a van outside reading a newspaper, I'm not sure if had been for two days but he slowly got out of the van in no rush whatsoever and enquired as to how he could be of assistance.
I explained my predicament and Jimmy took to using a few bits of pipe and pliers on the engine before declaring that it was an injector down.
I informed him that I had had them refurbished but Jimmy was adamant and there was no way in the remaining few days left that he could fix it in time and so I put her up for sale at the very reasonable price of £1000.00 cash not running well and she was gone in a couple of days.
This still left us with the predicament of finding a car to get us home but my dearest Fi had located a Jeep Cherokee that was in budget and not too far away so on the Friday afternoon off we went to pick up our new vehicle.
 Really nice dealer invited Fi and Arlene in to his house for coffee and biscuits whilst I had a test drive. Even put £15.00 worth of petrol in it. I transferred the insurance and away we went with just the tax to arrange.
Now then, here is the thing. Monday morning I got my insurance papers printed off and took the test certificate with me and proof of purchase to the DVLA place in the town. All was well and I filled out a v10 form and paid my money. The lady was just about to give me the disk when she said “oh.... I'm sorry I can’t tax this vehicle because you live in England”
“What”
“I cant tax a car that is owned and to be registered in England”
“Fine”
So I drove back to the port and got on the blower to the DVLA in Swansea.
After spending an actual 8 minutes (yes I fucking well timed it) on the phone pressing 1234 or 5 to get through to another choice of options I actually got to speak to Steven, Steven had a very broad Welsh accent and was about as much help as a spastic monkey.
I explained the position, I have bought a new car, it needs taxing, I live in England but till the V5 form comes back with my actual address on it the car is still registered in Ireland.
In a thick Welsh accent Steven replied, “ah well see, your in a bit of a catch 22 situation there arnt you”
“yes I am, that is why I have called you to get your advice.”
“well see here, you cant drive a car in Ireland that has no tax, and you can’t drive a car in England that has no tax see. Now you cant tax a car that is owned and  registered in England in Ireland see”
“yes I see, that is what I have already told you”
“well you are in a bit of a catch 22 situation there see”
“Yes, we have been over this before I think”
“well let me talk to one of my supervisors here see”
17.5 minutes later Steven returned to the phone call.
 “well see here, you cant drive a car in Ireland that has no tax, and you can’t drive a car in England that has no tax see. Now you cant tax a car that is owned and  registered in England in Ireland see” “well you are in a bit of a catch 22 situation there see”
“So help me god Steven if you say that one more time I swear I will walk to Swansea to find you if I have to”
“now now no need to get angry”
“OK, how about this, if I say on the form that I live in Portrush and fill in the forms with an address in Portrush would I be able to tax the car, then when I get home have the V5 forms mailed to me at home then change the address again to my address in Sheffield would I then be able to tax the car?”
“oh yes”
In my mind there was a small nuclear explosion going off but as Lou has mentioned to me “and breath”
Right then off to the town office again with a new V10 form and a very scribbled out and new address written in V5 form.
The same lady apologised for the trouble and promptly handed me the tax disk.
I at that point became a citizen of Nornireland and started saying top o the morning to ya and developed a life long love of spuds and asking everybody I met how are ya?”
To the car park to put in my newly acquired disk and then back to the Port for a much needed drink.
Hang on a minute, why is that car rolling towards me, maybe the driver hasn’t seen me, Nope there is no driver in it, Fuck. Foot down screech out of car park as orange driverless Ford Focus rolls headlong into the security office startling the fuck out the occupants.
And so after an exhaustive blog post today please accept my humble apologies interweb, but i really did need to get that off my chest.
Well here is some drivel to make up for it, Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood and smartarses should always remember that the squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.
And to end for today I am of the belief that hearing voices no one else can hear is never a good sign


Peace out yall, THE BAGSTAXXX

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